Baby showers are a major life event. For some moms, they only happen once. When something this rare takes place, people naturally want it to be perfect.

The problem is, they also want to follow established etiquette. But many times they aren’t completely aware of the reasoning behind the old rules, and can apply them little blindly.

Here’s an old rule that can cause problems: “Baby showers should be thrown by a friend, not the mom herself or her relative.” The idea is, since baby showers are basically about gifts, to keep mom and her family from looking too acquisitive.

The problem is, this rule was created when everyone’s baby shower was pretty much the same. They were small (say, 15 close women friends and relatives) and humble events held in someone’s home. The hostess made cake and punch, planned some games to help break the ice, and handed out token prizes to the winners. The mom-to-be opened her gifts and graciously thanked her guests.

Needless to say, a party of this size didn’t bankrupt the hostess, even if she happened to have a new baby of her own. Because it was inexpensive and simple, a friend could offer to host without feeling a big pinch in time or money.

But these days, quite a few moms want something a little bigger. And sometimes, something a lot more stylish and swanky than the original 50’s style shower. In fact, baby showers are reflecting the hugely increased sophistication you see in wedding receptions. Some are boasting three-layer fondant cakes, letterpressed invites, catered hors d’oeuvres, and other expenses that add up fast.

If this is what you’ve set your heart on, it is still good etiquette to ask a friend to host?

The answer is simple: absolutely not. Upscale showers are too much strain for any friend’s budget, unless your friend just won the lottery or graciously offered to sell her Boca condo in order to fund your party.

So if this is your ambition, then mom and her relatives need to take the reins (and open the purse). Because in your pursuit of baby shower perfection, the last thing you want to create is distance and strain between you and your closest friends.

If you try to split hairs by having your friend nominally host, yet telling her what to buy and how to do things, you’ll be in in a lose/lose situation. You probably won’t get the party you wanted, and your friend will feel like nothing she can do (within reason) can possibly please you. This is the worst scenario possible.

Of course, you’d never, ever follow in this mom-to-be’s footsteps … let’s call her Jane. A kind friend offered to host Jane’s shower, but Jane rejected all her plans. It later got back to the hostess that Jane and her family were calling the hostess’ food and decoration ideas “cheap” and “tacky” behind her back.

Jane and family disliked the homespun style of shower and wanted something much more upscale, but they mistakenly tried to have someone else pay for it. In this case, it would’ve been far better etiquette to host the party themselves — and far better for Jane’s friendship with the hostess.

Tags: baby shower etiquette, who pays for baby shower

This entry was posted on Tuesday, May 19th, 2009 at 11:58 pm and is filed under Etiquette. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.